Shades of Episode 3
by RMK1983
Summary: SPOILERS FOR EPISODE 3 AND BEYOND! My musings about Episode 3, what happened there, and how John and Anna move past it. Rated T for references to...you know what.


**This is by far not the best piece I have ever written. I had a lot of feelings, all bad, about ep 3 and they needed to come out. I will try to keep my season 3 fics all posted together here. **

The first night was easy, if anything about the whole horrific situation could be described with such a casual word. She was cleaned up and hiding in bed before John arrived home and she feigned sleep when he finally settled himself next to her. She didn't sleep, of course, and he didn't either, for a long time, but finally, exhaustion won out and he began snoring slightly. She lay as far away from him as their bed would allow, lest he feel the horror and the revulsion that was coming off her in waves. For his sake, for her own sake, for the sake of their future, she would pretend like nothing had happened.

If the first night was easy, the second night was horrific. Anna had spent the day in bed, reliving all of the vile ways Mr. Green had touched her, the horrible things he had said. John arrived home to find her huddled under the blankets, drenched in sweat. Sweetly, he suggested a bath. He would help her if she wasn't feeling strong enough. That was out of the question. She hasn't looked at herself since arriving home the previous night, but she was sure there were bruises she wouldn't be able to blame on fainting. When John settled next to her this night, he placed a comforting arm across her hips. Anna had to fight against her revulsion to a touch she once craved.

The night she before she went to London was the worst of all. Her outburst in the servant's hall had hurt her husband. She had told him that she didn't want to be "in his pocket" anymore when in truth, if she could have made herself very small and stayed tucked into the pocket of his waistcoat, safe and warm, she would have done it in a heartbeat. He came to bed, still laid down next to her, but he didn't put his arm around her. Anna felt her fragile control starting to crumble. She couldn't stand his touch, but she couldn't stand to be without it either.

The nightmares came, steadily, most of the time it was Green's face, looming over her, violating her over and over again in her subconscious. But sometimes, and even worse, were the nights that she dreamed of John finding out. Her mind would mesh her two worst fears into a terrifying scenario. Not only would Green abuse her, but he would laugh as John hanged for his inevitable retribution. She would be alone, really alone and it wouldn't have done a single thing to change what had happened. On those nights, she would wake up with a gasp and look at John sleeping, usually with his back to her these days, and she would renew her vow to herself that he never find out, no matter what it cost her, it would not cost her husband's life.

The odds were in favor of the whole, sordid truth coming out eventually, and it finally did. Mr. Green was far enough away to avoid becoming the victim of John's wrath, no matter how much he deserved it. John's fury toward the other valet took some hours to abate, but eventually it did and he held Anna tight and cried with her, in front of the family as well as Mrs. Hughes and Mr. Carson.

Anna was glad he knew and could finally understand the strange way she had been acting lately. He gave her a small smile as they settled into bed that night, silently asking if his proximity was too much for her. For the first time since her attack, Anna burrowed herself into her husband's chest, breathing his scent deeply. He was much the way she had left him last, and though she herself had been immeasurably changed, in his arms she still felt like his Anna.

There was a night, months and months later, though not quite a year, that Anna thought would never come. She was laying in John's arms, not really thinking of anything, just enjoying the way he was raking his fingers through her hair. It was refreshing that he could touch her now, without _**his **_face coming to mind every time. And when it did, John always helped her to chase it away. She had reached a point where John's touch felt good again, relaxing and not requiring any reciprocation from her and before she knew what she was doing, she had laid several sweet kisses against his throat. She pushed herself against him and he raised his head with a questioning look. Anna assessed these long forgotten feelings quickly and gave him a shy but determined grin. Hers was met with a large one from him as she pushed him onto his back and rose above him.

As she moved to straddle him, John moved his arms away from her, laying them flat on the bed, palms pressed into the mattress, not touching her at all except where she was touching him. Her heart swelled with love for him and as they came together again. While things would never be the same again, they could still be good, she and John could still have the future they had been fighting for for so long. She allowed herself to get lost in the feeling of John's skin against hers and soon, she was thinking of nothing except how good he made her feel. Anna fell asleep that night knowing that no matter what obstacle lay ahead, they would face it together.


End file.
